Audio Blog Entries

Archive for the ‘Funny’ Category

BBC Writing Prompt

Friday, September 5th, 2008

The BBC Website reported

Distinctively odd
For the past 30 years, the Bookseller magazine has awarded a prize to the oddest book title it can find. The first ever winner was Proceedings of the Second International Workshop on Nude Mice

Mind-boggling as that is, it is far from the strangest. Now the top prize has been won by the 1996 magnum opus Greek Rural Postmen and Their Cancellation Numbers, published by the Hellenic Philatelic Society and edited by Derek Willan.

They finished by saying:

We want to give listeners a chance to construct their own stories, inspired by the titles which have won every year.

The Diagram Prize for Oddest Book Title of the Year

  • 1978: Proceedings of the Second International Workshop on Nude Mice
    (University of Tokyo Press)
  • 1979: The Madam as Entrepreneur: Career Management in House Prostitution
    (Transaction Press)
  • 1980: The Joy of Chickens
    (Prentice Hall)
  • 1981: Last Chance at Love: Terminal Romances
  • 1982: Population and Other Problems
    (China National Publications)
  • 1983: The Theory of Lengthwise Rolling
    (MIR)
  • 1984: The Book of Marmalade: Its Antecedents, Its History and Its Role in the World Today
    (Constable)
  • 1985: Natural Bust Enlargement with Total Power: How to Increase the Other 90% of Your Mind to Increase the Size of Your Breasts
    (Westwood Publishing Co)
  • 1986: Oral Sadism and the Vegetarian Personality
    (Brunner/Mazel)
  • 1987: No Award
  • 1988: Versailles: The View From Sweden
    (University of Chicago Press)
  • 1989: How to Shit in the Woods: An Environmentally Sound Approach to a Lost Art
    (Ten Speed Press)
  • 1990: Lesbian Sadomasochism Safety Manual
    (Lace Publications)
  • 1991: No Award
  • 1992: How to Avoid Huge Ships
    (Cornwell Maritime Press)
  • 1993: American Bottom Archaeology
    (University of Illinois Press)
  • 1994: Highlights in the History of Concrete
    (British Cement Association)
  • 1995: Reusing Old Graves
    (Shaw & Son)
  • 1996: Greek Rural Postmen and Their Cancellation Numbers
    (Hellenic Philatelic Society)
  • 1997: The Joy of Sex: Pocket Edition
    (Mitchell Beazley)
  • 1998: Development in Dairy Cow Breeding and Management: and New Opportunities to Widen the Uses of Straw
    (Nuffield Farming Scholarship Trust)
  • 1999: Weeds in a Changing World
    (British Crop Protection Council)
  • 2000: High Performance Stiffened Structures
    (Professional Engineering Publishing)
  • 2001: Butterworths Corporate Manslaughter Service
    (Butterworths)
  • 2002: Living With Crazy Buttocks
    (Kaz Cooke - Penguin)
  • 2003: The Big Book of Lesbian Horse Stories
    (Kensington Publishing)
  • 2004: Bombproof Your Horse
    (J A Allen)
  • 2005: People Who Don’t Know They’re Dead: How They Attach Themselves to Unsuspecting Bystanders and What to Do About It
    (Gary Leon Hill - Red Wheel/Weiser Books)
  • 2006: The Stray Shopping Carts of Eastern North America: A Guide to Field Identification
    (Harry N Abrams)
  • 2007: If You Want Closure In Your Relationship, Start With Your Legs
    (Simon & Schuster US)

If that doesn’t make for a fun writing prompt, I don’t know what would!

I am…

Wednesday, August 6th, 2008

I feel somehow dirty. See, I really dislike Alanis Morissette and will leave the room if her music is playing. It was “hate at first sight” - she appeared on the Jools Holland show back in 1995 performing “You oughta know” - I remarked at the time that she sounded like an angst-ridden little harpy. I’ve not really changed my mind since. You can imagine the reaction, then, when I was writing the “about” tagline for the blog and I thought “Im a geek and believer …” and some song lyrics came to mind:

I’m a bitch I’m a lover
I’m a child I’m a mother
I’m a sinner I’m a saint
I do not feel ashamed
I’m your hell I’m your dream
I’m nothin’ in between
You know, you wouldn’t want it any other way

The song appeared, fully formed with full backing, and her voice attached. The words rearranged themselves

I’m a geek and believer
I’m a ‘limey’ I’m a husband
I’m a sinner, I’m a saint
I do not feel ashamed
I’m a writer and I’ll dream
I’m nothin’ in between
You know, you wouldn’t want it any other way

I filked an Alanis song? Ewww.

Send & receive email

Tuesday, July 29th, 2008

Zawinski’s Law of Software Envelopment

Every program attempts to expand until it can read email. Those programs which cannot so expand are replaced by ones which can.

— Jamie Zawinski

“Nooligan” by Roger McGough

Saturday, October 20th, 2007

As much as this poem is humour, pointing out the teenage bluster and posturing inherent to boys of that age, it was also a profound learning tool for me. I came to see, and mentally label, school bullies and violent idiots as “nooligans”. I saw through their mask. So, here’s proof that poetry has had an effect on me.

Nooligan
by Roger McGough

I’m a nooligan
dont give a toss
in our class
I’m the boss
(well, one of them)

I’m a nooligan
got a nard ‘ead
step out of line
and youre dead
(well, bleedin)

I’m a nooligan
I spray me name
all over town
footballs me game
(well, watchin)

I’m a nooligan
violence is fun
gonna be a nassassin
or a hired gun
(well, a soldier)

“The Lesson” by Roger McGough

Saturday, October 20th, 2007

Before anyone leaps in here and applies 21st century knee-jerk American moral values to this, I remember this poem from when I was a kid. Its at least 30 years old and written as satire. Look up “absurdity” and surreal humour too - the fact that the images in the poem are so vivid and extreme - into the realm of the absurd - make it funny; in employing such extremes the poet stepped over and walked a good distance beyond a line delineating real and believable from the clearly fictional and absurd. The poem lives on today whenever I hear someone or see a sign saying “first come, first served” or anyone makes a comment about awkward silences. Anyhow, on to the poem!

The Lesson
by Roger McGough

Chaos ruled OK in the classroom
as bravely the teacher walked in
the nooligans ignored him
hid voice was lost in the din

“The theme for today is violence
and homework will be set
I’m going to teach you a lesson
one that you’ll never forget”

He picked on a boy who was shouting
and throttled him then and there
then garrotted the girl behind him
(the one with grotty hair)

Then sword in hand he hacked his way
between the chattering rows
“First come, first severed” he declared
“fingers, feet or toes”

He threw the sword at a latecomer
it struck with deadly aim
then pulling out a shotgun
he continued with his game

The first blast cleared the backrow
(where those who skive hang out)
they collapsed like rubber dinghies
when the plug’s pulled out

“Please may I leave the room sir?”
a trembling vandal enquired
“Of course you may” said teacher
put the gun to his temple and fired

The Head popped a head round the doorway
to see why a din was being made
nodded understandingly
then tossed in a grenade

And when the ammo was well spent
with blood on every chair
Silence shuffled forward
with its hands up in the air

The teacher surveyed the carnage
the dying and the dead
He waggled a finger severely
“Now let that be a lesson” he said

Youtube madness

Tuesday, July 24th, 2007

Hot Butter - Popcorn

In 1972 Gershon Kingsley composed the classic dance track “Popcorn” that was recorded by a band called “Hot Butter” (read more). Versions of “Popcorn” have appeared periodically ever since. I was in a mood to go searching and found a bunch of them

(wonka / techo version)
http://youtube.com/watch?v=mvbrgeE69yg
(crazy frog)
http://youtube.com/watch?v=xXrnKGSShMk
(Marsheaux)
http://youtube.com/watch?v=CDqnq_Qb-kE
(Medieval Popcorn)
http://youtube.com/watch?v=qPwJ5198iYU
(by E-Rotic)
http://youtube.com/watch?v=-L9z-h8rvUs
(dance mix - Koruption)
http://youtube.com/watch?v=vCEi2f-hr4M
(Cynic-Redenbacher Remix)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yMKTxvNThDo
(Shadmehr Aghili)
http://youtube.com/watch?v=bBLIMotoadE

You need hands…

This came from my searches for versions of “Popcorn” - a guy who can play almost any song with his hands. As for me, best I can manage is a variety of humorous farty noises.

Popcorn
http://youtube.com/watch?v=bdWDJCKEh8k
Bohemian Rhapsody
http://youtube.com/watch?v=IOyEw9bT8yQ
Star Wars- Cantina Band
http://youtube.com/watch?v=pBiLAy7mDbw
Monty Python Theme
http://youtube.com/watch?v=7JaHyxbSiG4
A-Ha - Take On Me
http://youtube.com/watch?v=kwxvOKuLUQ0

Beatboxing Flute player Greg Pattillo

Remember on Men in Black II, Will Smith “communicates” with an alien with “beat box” noises? I’ve never really followed the phenomenon but it seems there are some really accomplished human beat box performers out there. The best from my Youtube searching was a guy who not only does an interesting beat box performance, but he plays flute at the same time.

(inspector gadget)
http://youtube.com/watch?v=59ZX5qdIEB0
(Peter and the Wolf)
http://youtube.com/watch?v=c6SHsF1n9Qw
(Sesame Street)
http://youtube.com/watch?v=clcza815sao
(with Eric Stephenson on cello)
http://youtube.com/watch?v=GMUlhuTkM3w

The Eighties

Then I just turned to amazing nostalgia, searching for old 80’s pop videos. Look out … here comes big hair, embarassing fashion and a flash-back of music for you!

Nena : 99 Red Ballons (1984)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=14IRDDnEPR4
Maria Vidal : Body Rock
http://youtube.com/watch?v=bSjzT4mWcmI
Bruce Willis : Under the Boardwalk
http://youtube.com/watch?v=GKtt5oeKa8w
Curiosity Killed the Cat : “Down to Earth”
http://youtube.com/watch?v=Np-bUqP1li0
Steve “Silk” Hurley : “Jack Your Body” (1986)
http://youtube.com/watch?v=mQcg-dRg5h4
Tight Fit : “The Lion Sleeps Tonight”
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ow9EaGQHFW0
Pepsi & Shirlie : “Heartache” (1986)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dziJv8Pcb04
The Eurythmics : Sweet Dreams (1987)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OufZbzsUtIo
Rick Astley : Never gonna give you up
http://youtube.com/watch?v=7sK3AqFYAWQ
Kylie Minogue : I Should Be So Lucky
http://youtube.com/watch?v=sAu8kPI-CLw
Taylor Dayne : Tell It To My Heart
http://youtube.com/watch?v=ZQxB_kgkz00
King : Love and Pride
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p_3g_yf1vzI

Something more modern (”Darkwave” music)

Two tracks, both are on my iPod right now. Darkwave is the fusion of the older New Wave, with more modern electronica and gothic styles.

Cruxshadows : Winterborn
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SVNjx4k8mWk
Cruxshadows : Cruelty
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oJgkd7IRzU8

My desktop wallpaper

Friday, April 27th, 2007

I couldn’t resist! :-)

Horse Wisdom

Friday, April 20th, 2007

A coworker sent me this:

The Tribal wisdom of the North American Indian, passed on from generation to generation, says that, “When you discover that you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount.”

However, in the corporate world, and especially in government agencies, more advanced strategies are often employed, such as:

  1. Buying a stronger whip.
  2. Changing riders.
  3. Appointing a committee to study the horse.
  4. Arranging to visit other countries to see how other cultures ride horses.
  5. Lowering the standards so that dead horses can be included.
  6. Reclassifying the dead horse as living-impaired.
  7. Outsourcing the issue to dead horses overseas.
  8. Hiring outside contractors to ride the dead horse.
  9. Harnessing several dead horses together to increase speed.
  10. Providing additional funding and/or training to increase dead horse’s performance.
  11. Doing a productivity study to see if lighter riders would improve the dead horse’s performance.
  12. Declaring that as the dead horse does not have to be fed, it is less costly, carries lower overhead and therefore contributes substantially more to the bottom line of the economy than do some other horses.
  13. Rewriting the expected performance requirements for all horses.
  14. Promoting the dead horse to a supervisory position

Thanks, I needed the laugh that provided!

Sequels that should NEVER have been made

Monday, March 5th, 2007

In the realm of bad movies, there’s a general rule that if it’s a movie based on a videogame, it’s a virtual (pun intended) certainty to suck big-time. The only thing I can think of that’s worse than a movie based on a video game is the sequel to one of those movies. I have a category of movies: “sequels that should never have been made” and I have to say, “BloodRayne II: Deliverance” lands fair-and-square right in the middle of it. Come on … even the acting genius (and “star” of the original “BloodRayne” movie) Kristanna Loken declined to participate!

The Police + International Jokes

Monday, February 12th, 2007

I heard the news that The Police had reformed to perform for the Grammy awards, and there was a rumour that they would tour. Thanks to a co-worker I have a link: they are playing St Louis on July 2nd! I’m excited (to say the least) … having spoken to the venue in question already about tickets! :-)
There’s a joke that says,

In European Heaven,
  • the English are the police
  • the Germans are the mechanics
  • the French are the cooks
  • the Italians are the lovers
  • and the whole place is run by the Swiss

In European Hell,

  • the English are the cooks
  • the Germans are the police
  • the Swiss are the lovers
  • the French are the mechanics
  • and the whole place is run by the Italians

Well, I’m soooo glad that the joke didnt say “the lovers are English” given a recent news article that said:

Britons ignorant about sex, survey reveals

LONDON (Reuters) - Nearly one in three Britons think that if a woman jumps up and down, washes or urinates immediately after sex, she can prevent pregnancy, a survey revealed Monday.

It was one of a string of revelations in the survey carried out by the Family Planning Association (fpa) at the start of Contraceptive Awareness Week.