Archive for the ‘Funny’ Category

Send & receive email

Tuesday, July 29th, 2008

Zawinski’s Law of Software Envelopment

Every program attempts to expand until it can read email. Those programs which cannot so expand are replaced by ones which can.

— Jamie Zawinski

“Nooligan” by Roger McGough

Saturday, October 20th, 2007

As much as this poem is humour, pointing out the teenage bluster and posturing inherent to boys of that age, it was also a profound learning tool for me. I came to see, and mentally label, school bullies and violent idiots as “nooligans”. I saw through their mask. So, here’s proof that poetry has had an effect on me.

Nooligan
by Roger McGough

I’m a nooligan
dont give a toss
in our class
I’m the boss
(well, one of them)

I’m a nooligan
got a nard ‘ead
step out of line
and youre dead
(well, bleedin)

I’m a nooligan
I spray me name
all over town
footballs me game
(well, watchin)

I’m a nooligan
violence is fun
gonna be a nassassin
or a hired gun
(well, a soldier)

“The Lesson” by Roger McGough

Saturday, October 20th, 2007

Before anyone leaps in here and applies 21st century knee-jerk American moral values to this, I remember this poem from when I was a kid. Its at least 30 years old and written as satire. Look up “absurdity” and surreal humour too – the fact that the images in the poem are so vivid and extreme – into the realm of the absurd – make it funny; in employing such extremes the poet stepped over and walked a good distance beyond a line delineating real and believable from the clearly fictional and absurd. The poem lives on today whenever I hear someone or see a sign saying “first come, first served” or anyone makes a comment about awkward silences. Anyhow, on to the poem!

The Lesson
by Roger McGough

Chaos ruled OK in the classroom
as bravely the teacher walked in
the nooligans ignored him
hid voice was lost in the din

“The theme for today is violence
and homework will be set
I’m going to teach you a lesson
one that you’ll never forget”

He picked on a boy who was shouting
and throttled him then and there
then garrotted the girl behind him
(the one with grotty hair)

Then sword in hand he hacked his way
between the chattering rows
“First come, first severed” he declared
“fingers, feet or toes”

He threw the sword at a latecomer
it struck with deadly aim
then pulling out a shotgun
he continued with his game

The first blast cleared the backrow
(where those who skive hang out)
they collapsed like rubber dinghies
when the plug’s pulled out

“Please may I leave the room sir?”
a trembling vandal enquired
“Of course you may” said teacher
put the gun to his temple and fired

The Head popped a head round the doorway
to see why a din was being made
nodded understandingly
then tossed in a grenade

And when the ammo was well spent
with blood on every chair
Silence shuffled forward
with its hands up in the air

The teacher surveyed the carnage
the dying and the dead
He waggled a finger severely
“Now let that be a lesson” he said

Youtube madness

Tuesday, July 24th, 2007

Hot Butter – Popcorn

In 1972 Gershon Kingsley composed the classic dance track “Popcorn” that was recorded by a band called “Hot Butter” (read more). Versions of “Popcorn” have appeared periodically ever since. I was in a mood to go searching and found a bunch of them

(wonka / techo version)
http://youtube.com/watch?v=mvbrgeE69yg
(crazy frog)
http://youtube.com/watch?v=xXrnKGSShMk
(Marsheaux)
http://youtube.com/watch?v=CDqnq_Qb-kE
(Medieval Popcorn)
http://youtube.com/watch?v=qPwJ5198iYU
(by E-Rotic)
http://youtube.com/watch?v=-L9z-h8rvUs
(dance mix – Koruption)
http://youtube.com/watch?v=vCEi2f-hr4M
(Cynic-Redenbacher Remix)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yMKTxvNThDo
(Shadmehr Aghili)
http://youtube.com/watch?v=bBLIMotoadE

You need hands…

This came from my searches for versions of “Popcorn” – a guy who can play almost any song with his hands. As for me, best I can manage is a variety of humorous farty noises.

Popcorn
http://youtube.com/watch?v=bdWDJCKEh8k
Bohemian Rhapsody
http://youtube.com/watch?v=IOyEw9bT8yQ
Star Wars- Cantina Band
http://youtube.com/watch?v=pBiLAy7mDbw
Monty Python Theme
http://youtube.com/watch?v=7JaHyxbSiG4
A-Ha – Take On Me
http://youtube.com/watch?v=kwxvOKuLUQ0

Beatboxing Flute player Greg Pattillo

Remember on Men in Black II, Will Smith “communicates” with an alien with “beat box” noises? I’ve never really followed the phenomenon but it seems there are some really accomplished human beat box performers out there. The best from my Youtube searching was a guy who not only does an interesting beat box performance, but he plays flute at the same time.

(inspector gadget)
http://youtube.com/watch?v=59ZX5qdIEB0
(Peter and the Wolf)
http://youtube.com/watch?v=c6SHsF1n9Qw
(Sesame Street)
http://youtube.com/watch?v=clcza815sao
(with Eric Stephenson on cello)
http://youtube.com/watch?v=GMUlhuTkM3w

The Eighties

Then I just turned to amazing nostalgia, searching for old 80’s pop videos. Look out … here comes big hair, embarassing fashion and a flash-back of music for you!

Nena : 99 Red Ballons (1984)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=14IRDDnEPR4
Maria Vidal : Body Rock
http://youtube.com/watch?v=bSjzT4mWcmI
Bruce Willis : Under the Boardwalk
http://youtube.com/watch?v=GKtt5oeKa8w
Curiosity Killed the Cat : “Down to Earth”
http://youtube.com/watch?v=Np-bUqP1li0
Steve “Silk” Hurley : “Jack Your Body” (1986)
http://youtube.com/watch?v=mQcg-dRg5h4
Tight Fit : “The Lion Sleeps Tonight”
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ow9EaGQHFW0
Pepsi & Shirlie : “Heartache” (1986)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dziJv8Pcb04
The Eurythmics : Sweet Dreams (1987)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OufZbzsUtIo
Rick Astley : Never gonna give you up
http://youtube.com/watch?v=7sK3AqFYAWQ
Kylie Minogue : I Should Be So Lucky
http://youtube.com/watch?v=sAu8kPI-CLw
Taylor Dayne : Tell It To My Heart
http://youtube.com/watch?v=ZQxB_kgkz00
King : Love and Pride
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p_3g_yf1vzI

Something more modern (“Darkwave” music)

Two tracks, both are on my iPod right now. Darkwave is the fusion of the older New Wave, with more modern electronica and gothic styles.

Cruxshadows : Winterborn
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SVNjx4k8mWk
Cruxshadows : Cruelty
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oJgkd7IRzU8

My desktop wallpaper

Friday, April 27th, 2007

I couldn’t resist! 🙂

Horse Wisdom

Friday, April 20th, 2007

A coworker sent me this:

The Tribal wisdom of the North American Indian, passed on from generation to generation, says that, “When you discover that you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount.”

However, in the corporate world, and especially in government agencies, more advanced strategies are often employed, such as:

  1. Buying a stronger whip.
  2. Changing riders.
  3. Appointing a committee to study the horse.
  4. Arranging to visit other countries to see how other cultures ride horses.
  5. Lowering the standards so that dead horses can be included.
  6. Reclassifying the dead horse as living-impaired.
  7. Outsourcing the issue to dead horses overseas.
  8. Hiring outside contractors to ride the dead horse.
  9. Harnessing several dead horses together to increase speed.
  10. Providing additional funding and/or training to increase dead horse’s performance.
  11. Doing a productivity study to see if lighter riders would improve the dead horse’s performance.
  12. Declaring that as the dead horse does not have to be fed, it is less costly, carries lower overhead and therefore contributes substantially more to the bottom line of the economy than do some other horses.
  13. Rewriting the expected performance requirements for all horses.
  14. Promoting the dead horse to a supervisory position

Thanks, I needed the laugh that provided!

Sequels that should NEVER have been made

Monday, March 5th, 2007

In the realm of bad movies, there’s a general rule that if it’s a movie based on a videogame, it’s a virtual (pun intended) certainty to suck big-time. The only thing I can think of that’s worse than a movie based on a video game is the sequel to one of those movies. I have a category of movies: “sequels that should never have been made” and I have to say, “BloodRayne II: Deliverance” lands fair-and-square right in the middle of it. Come on … even the acting genius (and “star” of the original “BloodRayne” movie) Kristanna Loken declined to participate!

The Police + International Jokes

Monday, February 12th, 2007

I heard the news that The Police had reformed to perform for the Grammy awards, and there was a rumour that they would tour. Thanks to a co-worker I have a link: they are playing St Louis on July 2nd! I’m excited (to say the least) … having spoken to the venue in question already about tickets! 🙂

There’s a joke that says,

In European Heaven,
  • the English are the police
  • the Germans are the mechanics
  • the French are the cooks
  • the Italians are the lovers
  • and the whole place is run by the Swiss

In European Hell,

  • the English are the cooks
  • the Germans are the police
  • the Swiss are the lovers
  • the French are the mechanics
  • and the whole place is run by the Italians

Well, I’m soooo glad that the joke didnt say “the lovers are English” given a recent news article that said:

Britons ignorant about sex, survey reveals

LONDON (Reuters) – Nearly one in three Britons think that if a woman jumps up and down, washes or urinates immediately after sex, she can prevent pregnancy, a survey revealed Monday.

It was one of a string of revelations in the survey carried out by the Family Planning Association (fpa) at the start of Contraceptive Awareness Week.

Mac vs. PC ads

Friday, February 9th, 2007

It turns out that those fantastic Apple adverts – two guys standing there who introduce themselves “Hi, I’m a Mac / and I’m a PC” – have been redone for different countries. The conversations are remarkably similar but obviously localized. Take a look at the UK versions and compare with the original USA versions.

A head-to-head comparison of the 2:

USA Version UK Version
Mac: Hello, I’m a Mac

PC: …and I’m a PC

Mac: I’m into doing fun stuff like movies, music, podcasts, stuff like that

PC: I also do fun stuff like timesheets and spreadsheets and piecharts

Mac: Ok, uhh, no by fun I mean more in terms of … for example it would kinda hard to capture a family vacation, say, with a piechart. You know?

PC: Not true.

Mac: Oh?

PC: For example this light gray area could represent hang out time whereas this dark gray area could represent just kicking it.

Mac: Yeah, no, I feel like I was there.

Mac: Hello, I’m a Mac

PC:  …and I’m a PC

Mac: I’ve been doing fun stuff like movies, music, podcasts

PC:  And I also do fun stuff like spreadsheets and timesheets … and piecharts

Mac: Yeah, PC, it’s quite hard to capture a family holiday with, say, a piechart

PC:  Not really. For example, this light grey area could represent shinanigans and tomfoolery while this dark grey area could represent hijinks and you see here we further divided hijinks into capers, monkey-business and just larking about.

Mac: Wow. I feel like I was there.

Cat Haiku

Thursday, January 18th, 2007

Merinda sent a link that I simply had to share: Cat Haiku. Hidden among the many other poems were a few absolute gems:

You never feed me.
Perhaps I’ll sleep on your face.
That will sure show you.

and

Wanna go outside.
Oh, poop! Help! I got outside!
Let me back inside!

oh, and not to mention:

You must scratch me there!
Yes, above my tail!
Behold, elevator butt.

Just the thing to brighten up your morning!